Postpartum Support: What to Say to a New Mom (and What Not to Say)
There’s nothing like new motherhood that welcomes an onslaught of unsolicited advice and well-meaning comments
Having a new baby seems like a magnet for an entourage of onlookers who repeat and recycle the same type of comments moms have been told for ages. Does any of this sound familiar?
“You don’t even look tired!”
“You don’t even look like you had a baby!”
“You’ll bounce back soon!”
“You’ll lose the baby weight eventually!”
“You already look so thin!”
If we take a step back, it’s easy to see the majority of language directed at new mothers has to do with their appearance, their body size, and the way they look.
WHY?
As a mother who’s lived through these types of comments and who has seen first-hand how these types of comments can be triggering to the mothers I work with, we have to do better.
A woman has literally grown a baby with her body and birthed that baby into the world, and the only thing we can talk to her about is how she looks? Are we so superficial as a society that we can only stay on the surface level? Are we unable to uphold mothers for the miracles they’ve made?
It’s no wonder moms feel deflated and disregarded during one of the most vulnerable seasons of their lives. The comments and questions new moms face after childbirth is a direct reflection of the lack of honor we give women after the challenging changes they undergo in bringing life into the world.
When a new mother’s appearance becomes the focal point of conversation after having a baby, it waters down a woman’s self-worth to what she looks like and ignores her innate sense of worthiness.
As if a new mom didn’t have enough to worry about with a new baby, it’s too easy to become all-consumed by the way she looks and worried about how others may perceive her. Many new moms internalize these messages and comments around her weight and appearance, which dictate false messages about her identity.
Examples:
Haven’t lost the baby weight yet? I must be a bad mom.
I don’t even look like I had a baby? I must not be good enough as a mother.
I’ll bounce back soon? I must not be enough as I am.
For far too long, a woman’s worth has been equated to postpartum weight loss and how her body changes after having a baby, rather than being celebrated for who she is and what she has done to grow, birth, and nurture life into the world.
These damaging messages, no matter how well-intentioned, can be burdensome and destructive to a woman as she enters new motherhood.
This cultural “thinness” mindset could unfortunately have negative repercussions on a mother's mental health.
Effects of Poor Postpartum Body Image
For countless new mothers, these types of comments can be triggering for poor body image and low self-esteem.
Research has shown that body image dissatisfaction is consistently associated with prenatal and postpartum depression. For mothers who may be struggling with an eating disorder past or poor body image, comments made about their postpartum bodies can be a trigger for worsening mental health issues.
When the topic of conversation around new motherhood revolves around a woman’s appearance, it diverts attention from what is really needed for her overall well-being, recovery and healing.
Health has been watered down to weight loss, and achievement in the postpartum period has been attributed to her overall appearance. When this becomes the center of conversation, a new mother’s efforts become focused on changing her body, which often neglects her physical, mental, and emotional well-being in the process.
Moms who feel pressured to lose postpartum weight may be more likely to engage in dangerous dieting behaviors to facilitate weight loss, including:
Fad diets
Restrictive eating, limiting overall intake
Excessive exercise
Cutting out entire food groups
Rigid food rules
The important thing to understand here is the potential consequences of these types of eating/exercise behaviors.
Dieting and rapid weight loss during the postpartum period is highly dangerous for a multitude of reasons.
A woman’s overall nutrition needs are typically at the highest after having a baby, and lack of adequate nutrition and overall food intake can affect her in the following ways:
Worsening mental health functioning
Difficulties with breastfeeding, including decreased milk supply
Shorter breastfeeding duration
Prolonged physical healing and recovery after birth and delivery
Physical complications post-delivery (like increased risk of wound infection, illness)
Poor body image and low self-esteem
Increased risk for a postpartum eating disorder
Knowing this, we can’t dismiss the importance of supporting postpartum moms in a way that encourages them to focus on the things that will uphold their healing and recovery.
Yes, it’s largely a societal issue that devalues postpartum women and waters down wellness to weight loss. But it’s also around the types of conversations we bring into discussion and how we approach new mothers.
So can we stop congratulating new moms for losing the “baby weight”?
Postpartum Weight Loss Doesn’t Equal Wellness
We’re so quick to gush over new moms when they’ve lost weight without any regard to how they’re doing or adjusting to new motherhood.
Just because a new mom has lost weight in no way implies that she’s well, supported, or cared for - physically, mentally or emotionally. Further, it just reinforces these damaging ideals that her worthiness as a new mother is only attached to her appearance, putting more value on how she looks over how she’s functioning.
I’ve worked with too many postpartum mothers who were given boatloads of praise for weight loss, only to be facing a host of underlying concerns that no one would recognize beneath the surface: Moms who are struggling with breastfeeding, eating disorders, mental health concerns, or poor physical recovery and healing. But because they’re being praised for postpartum weight loss, it’s easy to become dismissive of concerning physical and mental health issues that are plaguing their new motherhood.
Can we stop measuring a new moms success by what her weight does or what her body looks like?
Can we start celebrating new moms for who they are and the miracles they’ve created instead of scrutinizing their bodies?
Comments directed about new moms that center on her appearance only decrease maternal body satisfaction, which is a trigger for mental illness, like postpartum depression.
So please. The next time you feel inclined to comment on a postpartum mom’s body - don’t.
Here are some other things you can say or do instead to offer her the postpartum support she needs.
What to Say to a New Mom
So if you’re looking for practical ways to lend postpartum support to the new mothers in your life, consider changing your conversation in ways that uphold, support, and honor these women.
Let’s change the conversation around new moms and the transition into motherhood.
Because the truth is that a woman’s worth is not defined by:
Her birth experience or how she brought her baby into the world
Whether or not she breastfeeds
The size or shape of her body
The temperament of her baby
Let’s treat the new mamas in our lives with the dignity and respect they deserve to better offer postpartum support.
Let’s create a nurturing environment and safe space for all women as they transition into motherhood and celebrate them for who they are.
Here are some of the statements and comments that are commonly said to postpartum moms, as well as things you can share with her instead that would be more supportive and uplifting:
“You’ll bounce back soon”:
PSA: Women’s bodies don’t bounce anywhere. Pregnancy and birth are the most transformational journeys that women will grow through. There is no going back - only going forward. New moms are grappling with all the ways their lives have changed in becoming a mother, not just their bodies. They’re trying to reconcile who they were with who they’ve become.
Would it be okay to expect someone to be in the same body they had in high school? No. In the same way, we can’t create unrealistic expectations for a woman’s body after she’s had a baby. Yet this is exactly what this comment is doing.
Instead, try this: “You’ve just done a truly incredible thing - wow, you’re amazing!”
Focus on who she is, what she’s done, and how amazing she is for bringing her baby into the world. Her body or weight doesn’t need to be part of the conversation whatsoever.
2. “Breastfeeding is best for you baby, it’ll help you lose weight!”
Trying to incentivize a new mother to breastfeed because it will help her lose weight is a whole new level of damaging and destructive.
In fact, I wrote a whole blog post on how the promotion of breastfeeding for weight loss is hurting postpartum moms, which you can read if you’re interested in learning more.
Bottom line, there’s no real scientific evidence for this, and mothers should feel empowered to make a feeding decision that best supports them and their babies, without feeling pressured to change their bodies as part of the decision.
I’ve seen many new moms discouraged with breastfeeding because they didn’t in fact lose weight and struggle with their postpartum bodies. This is unnecessary and largely fueled by the false narrative and messages around breastfeeding and weight loss.
It’s not supportive of a postpartum mother to interject your opinion about how she should feed her baby and WHY you think she should breastfeed.
Instead, try this: “Your baby is lucky to have such a caring mama. Can I bring you a meal?”
Do you know what new moms need more than unsolicited advice about their bodies and how they should breastfeed? FOOD. You’re welcome.
3. “Do you have a good baby?”
When people ask this question, what they’re really asking is, “Does your baby sleep?”, or, “Does your baby eat well?”. But why are how a baby sleeps or eats markers of whether or not a baby is good or bad?
I mean, really - is it possible for a baby to be inherently “bad” because he doesn’t yet sleep through the night, or because she’s nursing frequently throughout the day?
Worse yet, these comments leave way too much room for misinterpretation for a new mother, who’s in the throes of learning how to care for herself and her baby.
She might feel like she is a bad mother because her baby isn’t yet sleeping through the night (which is completely normal, by the way). Or she might use her feeding journey with her baby as a benchmark for how she's doing as a mother.
These aren’t moral issues, people, so let’s not make it about “good versus bad”, okay? Both a mother and her baby are inherently worthy of love and care, regardless of external factors.
Instead, try this: “You’re doing a great job mama!”, or “Do you know what an amazing mother you are?”
4. “Enjoy every second of it!”
This is a notorious comment for making new mothers feel guilty, even though it’s usually said with the best of intentions. And while babyhood is fleeting, implying that a mother needs to enjoy every second of motherhood in order to make it count paints an unrealistic picture of what being a mom actually looks like.
It’s effectively communicating her feelings and needs are invalid, and if she’s not in love with motherhood, she must be failing as a mother.
I can tell you this: no one is more critical of themselves than new moms, and mothers who are adjusting to the inevitable variables of motherhood are going to hit some bumps in the road.
We need to create space for moms to experience everything that is coming up for them, without a side serve of guilt and shame for her feelings. There are a multitude of factors that may make motherhood less than enjoyable for a new mom.
This doesn’t mean it’s her fault or that she doesn’t love her baby. For many moms, having a new baby doesn’t involve an instantaneous love connection with her baby, even though she does love her child.
Consider shelving this comment and saving something else.
Instead, try this: “It takes time to get to know your baby, and that’s okay. Give yourself all the time and space you need.”
Offering Postpartum Support to a New Mom
How we communicate with new moms is just one small part in the ways we may offer to lend support during this season of life.
While proactively changing your language around the conversations you bring up around new mothers can help, there are many other things you can do to support her during this season.
If all else fails and you don’t know what to say, remember actions speak louder than words.
Doing something to help her and her family will be more impactful than anything you might say. Keep in mind that many new moms are unsure of ways they may need help. So don’t wait for her to ask you and take the initiative.
This may include things like:
Offering your time to help with her other children, pets, or household chores
Bringing over a meal or groceries to help support her family
Replenishing supplies they’re likely using daily, including diapers, wipes, etc
Dropping off her favorite drink or an easy-to-eat snack
Holding the baby so she can take a shower or a nap
Running errands for her so she doesn’t have to leave the house with the baby
Above all, remind her that you’re there for her and show her you care. Too often, moms are often forgotten after babies arrive on the scene, but new moms need to be taken care of, too.
How do you want to change the conversation for new moms?
If you are a mom, what comments have you received as a new mother that were unhelpful for you?