Our sweet baby boy turns one year old in a few days, and my heart has never felt so overwhelmed with many different emotions.
Seeing the passage of time in his precious life thus far is both joyful and crushing all at once: joy to see him thrive and grow into his own little being, crushing to feel the momentous wave of time overpowering me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Those sweet memories of his newborn smell, the weight of his little body curled against my chest, his first smiles and laughs. All the things I treasure seemingly slipping through my fingertips. That is perhaps the cruel crux of the early days of a newborn's life, when physical fatigue and raw emotions compete with these fleeting moments that pass all too quickly.
With our first daughter, I always looked ahead to the next milestone, thinking, "I can't wait until she can sit up", or "How fun it will be when she can finally walk."
With age and experience, I am now standing in front of this speed train of time, doing everything to counter its weighted movement, desperately aching for it to slow down.
Slow down long enough for me to hold on to this sweet baby for one more night, for tomorrow comes so quickly.
As bittersweet as birthdays are, I am grateful that I am gifted with the blessing of seeing my children grow.
As harsh as the passing of time can be, I know the remedy lies in finding gratitude in today, in the moments we share that bind us presently and keep our souls connected through the dimension of time.
As the months turn to years, and the years turn to a lifetime, I will look back fondly on the love that shaped every memory I will carry with me, of babies growing unapologetically into children, of a childhood laced with laughter and tears, of a motherhood graced with joys and tribulations, all which are woven together to create the beautiful canvas of a life well lived.
“No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away.” - Haruki Murakami
So today, I reflect on this past year of our son's life with gratitude; thankfulness that God chose me to be his mama, while at the same time, experiencing my own inner transformation during a season of life where time felt lost.
My little boy has already taught me many things, how to hold on to moments and experiences and fight to remain present, to be still long enough to appreciate today with all its rawness and challenges, to be accepting in grieving change and saying goodbye to a time well cherished.
For today is all we have.