10 Motherhood Lessons I’ve Learned in the Last Ten Years

Photo credit: Third Strand Photography

Since the turn of the new year, I’ve been in a reflective mood on the past year - well, the whole past decade, really.

The reality is that sometimes we are pushing ourselves so hard and fast that we hardly take the time to come up for air or be reflective on how we’ve changed over time.

Taking the time to do that has been therapeutic and encouraging for me, especially to see how far I’ve come during a decade that was wonderful, but also, incredibly challenging.

At the start of 2010, we welcomed our first baby into the world, and our daughter made me a mama for the first time. Since that point on, motherhood life has been a whirlwind, as our family grew with 4 more children after that in the span of 8 years.

The last ten years, for me, have been defined by growing, raising and feeding babies. With this, the last decade has also brought maternal mental health challenges, as I struggled with postpartum depression after the births of my first 3 children.

While I wish this didn’t have to be part of my story, I can now look back from a scar and not a wound; meaning, from my own healing, I can understand the lessons that have been learned through the difficulties of struggling with maternal mental illness.

The decade prior was also defined by mental health challenges in the form of my eating disorder struggles; while I thought I had left this behind. I’ve come to terms with the fact that mental illness is part of who I am but it doesn’t define me. It’s something that I have to be proactive about managing and staying on top of, and inevitability, there are good days and bad days that come with this.

So in reflecting, I’ve narrowed down 10 lessons of motherhood that I’ve learned in the past decade that has been characterized by raising children and dealing with mental health challenges, in hopes that this might bring encouragement or support to any of you who might also be in the same boat.

Without further adieu, here is what being a mother has taught me so far…

What Motherhood Taught Me

1.Postpartum depression is an illness and not a reflection of you as a mother or as a woman:

When I was struggling with maternal mental illness, I didn’t understand that this condition wasn’t my fault. I just thought I was a bad mom.

I thought I was severely failing at this motherhood gig. I believed that my kids deserved another mother, one who could parent better than me.

Now I understand that postpartum depression, like other mental health conditions, is an illness and not something that defines who I am as a person or a mother. I didn’t choose to have postpartum depression, just as much as someone wouldn’t choose to have cancer.

Women experience perinatal mental health challenges during the postpartum period, like depression and anxiety, and sadly, there is so much stigma around these conditions that can make it hard to get help. As a society, we tend to treat mental illnesses differently than physical illnesses, but just because we can’t see that someone is visibly struggling doesn’t mean they’re okay.

While there is so much stigma around mental illness, I’ve learned to speak out more about it through my own healing. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to love your kids more than anything else in the world AND not be in love with motherhood.

As I learned this, I gave myself the space I needed to heal, as a woman, as a mother. Another valuable lesson I learned the hard way: there is no criteria for needing help. If anything seems off to you, that is reason enough to reach out for help.

2. How your kids eat does not define you or your parenting skills:

On a similar note, I’ve learned that how my kids eat does not define me as a parent or reflect on my parenting skills. For me, this lesson was learned early on with the breastfeeding struggles I had with my first two babies.

I was so adamant to breastfeed because I truly believed that was best for them. Not only that, I believed that breastfeeding is what would make me a good mother. But that just isn’t the case.

Sadly, I think the enormous pressure I put on myself to breastfeed and the resulting struggles I experienced were major triggers for my postpartum depression.

My second baby was born a late preterm, and as a result, we had a lot of feeding struggles. She had a hard time latching at the breast and transferring enough milk. Instead of supplementing with formula, I resorted to using a supplemental nursing system (SNS), followed by pumping and trying to feed her expressed breastmilk.

The cycle of nursing, pumping and feeding took at least an hour, every two hours around the clock. I spent so many of those nights attached to my pump in tears because I thought I was failing at this whole breastfeeding thing (and let’s face it - was seriously sleep deprived).

I wanted so badly to succeed at motherhood, and to me, that meant being successful with breastfeeding. But PSA: If you are a nursing mama, you are more than your breastmilk. I learned that breastfeeding might be “natural” but it’s a learned process.

Be patient and know that you and your baby will get better each day. I also learned that breastfeeding shouldn’t take priority over mental health. Your baby needs a mother who is well over your breastmilk.

As my kids have gotten older, I’ve learned and seen that the same thing continues to apply: HOW my kids eat is not a reflection of me as a parent or my parenting skills.

Whether it’s dealing with picky or selective eating, or the toddler that refuses to eat or the inevitable food ruts that happen when trying to feed a family, there will be ups and downs.

Just keep in mind - what your child eats or doesn’t eat, or your child’s overall food behaviors are not a reflection of your parenting skills, your ability to mother, or your worthiness.

3. Having a hidden agenda with feeding kids can be dangerous:

If you’re feeding your kids with a hidden agenda, this can often backfire. I learned this early on with my second child, who had sensory sensitivities and was a selective eater.

Hidden agendas can be well-intentioned but can also distract from the bigger picture that is most important when feeding kids. Hidden agendas can also create dysfunctions in how you might feed your kids.

For example, a hidden agenda might look like wanting to get your kids to eat more vegetables or eat less sugar or eat smaller portions, but this might cause you to feed your child from a place of FEAR rather than trust.

You might pressure your child to eat, hide certain foods from them, or not allow them to eat seconds to help achieve your agenda, but these tactics won’t support your child to have a positive relationship with food.

Remember, we can’t achieve long-term goals (like helping our kids have confidence with food and their bodies) if we’re measuring “success” with short-term targets, like what they eat in any given meal.

4. If your child’s behavior triggers thoughts or feelings, it may be related to you, not them:

Motherhood has a way of refining us and bringing up old wounds straight to the surface. This is especially common with food and body image issues.

What I’ve learned for myself is that when my children trigger feelings of anger and frustration, there is a primary emotion that the anger is stemming from.

Like an iceberg, anger is what we usually see on the surface. But when we look closer, there are usually vast emotions bubbling beneath the surface.

In my case, anger is usually triggered by feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or physical fatigue, all which can look like anger when expressed.

Ultimately, it's not my kids’ behavior. It’s not the spilled milk or their arguments over toys - they’re just being kids. How I react comes from me, and it’s my responsibility as to how I respond, not theirs.

If you find yourself reacting in a certain way to your children’s behaviors, this might be a clue that there is something within yourself that needs a closer look.

These might be small or big things, but whatever it is, you deserve to heal completely so that you can mother from a place of wholeness.

5. Time can be your greatest healer:

There were so many times and moments where I beat myself up for not having it together by now. I mean, I should be the responsible adult, right?

Turns out that parenting will keep you humble but that time can be your greatest ally. I think about having my first baby versus having my fifth baby, and it was a world of difference.

This is largely in part to the experience and confidence I gained as a mother over time. The natural passing of time also helped facilitate my healing from postpartum depression.

Sometimes, when the solution doesn’t seem obvious or the decision feels complicated, the answer may simply be time.

In a world that moves at the lightning speed of Amazon prime delivery, we expect quick fixes and instantaneous results.

I’ve learned that with time and patience can come healing, confidence, motherhood skills and experience that can teach the most valuable lessons.

6. Having a strategic approach to feeding can save your sanity:

Speaking of patience, nothing has tested my sanity more than trying to figure out what to feed the family for dinner, especially with multiple kids with different taste preferences.

Inevitably, someone might get upset that mama wasn’t a short-order cook and didn’t make what was requested, but you know what? It’s okay.

It’s okay to not please everyone at dinner. It’s okay to not have a home cooked, organic meal made from scratch. It’s okay to rely on frozen foods or take out to feed your family.

In fact, during the multiple years that I struggled with postpartum depression, cooking for my family was just too difficult and overwhelming.

We ate a lot of frozen meals that I could easily heat up, and you know what? We were okay. You have to do the best that you can in the season that you’re in.

No matter what situation you might find yourself in today, having some strategies in place with meal planning and grocery shopping can help you simplify mealtimes and make it easier to feed your family.

The biggest game changer for me has been serving meals family style, which is where all the food we’re eating as a family are placed on the table, and everyone serves themselves.

This has helped take the pressure off me to try to serve everyone, as well as allow my kids the space and independence they need to explore food.

Planning ahead for meals, even if it’s just 2-3 days at a time, can also make things easier, especially when it’s 5pm and you’re standing in front of the fridge asking yourself, “What should I make for dinner?”

It doesn’t have to be perfect by any means, but finding a rhythm that works for your family can make all the difference.

7. It’s expected for kids food preferences to change:

Somehow, I missed this vital piece of information in the early years of feeding my kids.

I went from having relatively adventurous eaters who were happy to try most foods to selective toddlers who complained about EVERYTHING, and I mean everything that I tried to feed them.

You might be in the same boat and be wondering what on Mother Earth you’re supposed to feed your kids who change their minds about everything everyday.

When I learned that these drastic changes in food preferences were both normal AND expected, it helped take the pressure off and make mealtimes much less stressful.

The important thing to remember here is that YOU are in charge of the menu, not your fickle child who’s likes and dislikes will bounce all over the place. You can be considerate of your child’s preferences without catering to them.

Lastly, it’s really helpful if you allow your child to try new foods on his or her terms, not your terms. (Remember, let go of that hidden agenda).

8. It’s normal for your body to change:

Do you know what else is normal but also not talked about often enough? How our bodies are supposed to change.

There is so much time, effort, and money poured into pushing the “get-your-pre-baby-body-back” propaganda on postpartum moms; naturally, we feel like we’re failing when our bodies don’t return to what they used to be.

After a decade of growing and birthing 5 babies, I’ve learned that my body needs to change to accommodate new life, and that is a good thing.

Because of my eating disorder past, I haven’t always had the best relationship with my body. But I’ve learned over the course of time that my body is resilient, strong, and a maker of miracles.

I’ve learned to focus on the function of my body over appearance and to treat my body with respect, even when my body feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable.

Healing from childbirth has also helped me shift the focus on what my body looks like to what my body needed for recovery.

For me, that has looked like using food, rest and movement to help restore function to my body that has grown five babies, rather than using these things to try to manipulate my appearance.

It’s taken time, but I’ve learned to be gentle and kind to the one place I will call home for the rest of my life.

9. Taking time for yourself is not selfish:

This was a hard one for me to learn. I constantly felt guilty anytime I was away from my kids.

As I shared earlier, my mindset to breastfeed at all costs was mental straining and physically demanding. It made it hard to leave my babies with anyone.

But I learned that pursuing things outside of my kids didn’t mean I was a selfish or inadequate mother. It actually made me a better mother when I could engage in things that helped rejuvenate my body and mind.

This is still a work in progress and has changed depending on the season I’ve been in.

When we had tinier babies, taking time for myself meant passing the baby to my husband for 15 minutes so I could take an uninterrupted shower.

These days, it’s a little easier to get back into things I used to enjoy, like reading and cooking, and it’s helped me have more to give to my kids.

So if you’re needing to do something to take care of yourself, please know that you’re not selfish. You’re human. You have needs too that are important as you mother and steward your own children.

10. If all else fails, bake a cake:

There've been days where nothing, and I mean nothing, seemed to go right. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

That’s how motherhood goes, I suppose. There are good days and bad days.

There are days where you want to crawl back into your bed because you can’t face the noise or mess or endless requests for snacks and questions anymore.

I have boxes of cake mix in my pantry for days especially like this, where everything is just too much.

That’s right - not homemade cakes because mama can’t deal with that.

But I can manage to dump some ingredients into a bowl and let my children be fascinated by the whirl of the blender. It distracts them for 5 minutes and makes them happy to lick the spoon.

For some reason, baking a cake and putting on some music can always shift the tide and everyone’s mood in the house, even if it’s just slightly. I call that a win.

On a broader scale, the point of this is more of a reminder for me that there is always something to celebrate, there is always hope, no matter how desperate or challenging a situation might be, and the power of gratitude and being content where I’m at today.

There is so much more that i’m still learning and growing through.

Thank you for being here and being part of this community. I’ve learned so much for YOU, your questions, comments, and your stories.

Cheers to this new decade ahead. May we all continue to grow in grace and wisdom for the years ahead.

I’d love to hear from you! What are some lessons that you’ve learned from your motherhood journey?