How I’m Weaning My Toddler Plus Breastfeeding Weaning Tips
My husband and I recently were out on a lunch date, and I found myself hardly able to touch my food. There was a well of emotion building inside me that eventually cascaded into an outburst of hot tears streaming down my face and over my Thai food.
The poor guy just looked at me as confused as could be, wondering what on Mother Earth could’ve possibly happened.
“I’m sad about weaning Ellie”, was all I could mutter while trying to catch my breath amid tears. He nodded in understanding and grabbed my hand, staying silent to give space to these big feelings. After having 5 kids, he’s seen me through so many ups and downs, and this was no exception.
Truly, I never thought I’d get to this point.
With my first baby, I hated breastfeeding. We had so many difficulties that left me wincing in pain, frustration, and discomfort for so long. Without giving any thought to my own mental health, I endured the suffering for the sake of “breast is best”. I remember looking at a calendar and counting the number of days I would have to make it to the “one year mark”. That was the arbitrary goal in my mind, which was undoubtedly a trigger for my postpartum depression.
While we made it to one year, it didn’t leave me on friendly terms with breastfeeding at all. A similar experience unfolded with my second baby, who was born a late preterm. My breastmilk became a measure of my worth, and it wasn’t a time that left me with warm fuzzies inside.
Fast forward a few years and kids later, I found myself grieving the end of my breastfeeding journey with my fifth child.
At the time of writing this post, I’m in the process of weaning my youngest from the boob. She’s a week shy from turning two and hasn’t shown any signs of slowing down from breastfeeding.
In typical 5th-kid fashion, this toddler is showing us tricks that none of our other kids have done before.
While my other kids naturally weaned from breastfeeding around the time they turned one, this girlie is still going strong well into her toddler years.
In the past, I think I was much more eager to be done with breastfeeding, but this time around, I have to say that I’m not really rushing it to be over. Having back-to-back pregnancies meant that there was usually some overlap with pregnancy and breastfeeding, which wasn’t always that comfortable.
So the fact that I’m NOT pregnant may be a reason as to why we’re still breastfeeding. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that my daughter is my youngest baby. Either way, I know these breastfeeding days are dwindling, and I’m not quite sure I’m ready to say goodbye yet.
The thing is that the process of weaning from breastfeeding is a personal journey, no matter what your story has been. For me, this season with my youngest baby marks the culmination of a 10 year journey in growing and nursing babies. It’s hard to know that these days are slowly dwindling and may likely come to an abrupt end before I’ve even had the chance to realize it.
I honestly never would’ve thought that I’d get to this point either: where I felt a pull and tug between continuing breastfeeding and being ready to be done altogether. After a tumultuous start to breastfeeding with my first daughter and an array of feeding difficulties with my second, I never imagined I would breastfeed for as long as I have.
I’ve come to peace with the fact that ending our breastfeeding journey brings a feeling of ambivalence: relief and grief, co-existing together in the same space.
For the longest time, I felt like it had to be one or the other: shouldn’t I be relieved that I have my body to myself again? It’s been years where my body belonged to my babies, which is hard when you feel like you don’t have any autonomy anymore whatsoever.
I’m ready to say goodbye to sore nipples, mastitis, clogged ducts and milk blisters. And my breast pump. Good riddens, I’d like to say goodbye forever. I won’t miss it’s whirling, churning and cold flanges that suck milk and hours of my life away.
On the other hand, I’m grieved to say goodbye to warm snuggles in the morning, to the one thing that seemed to make my baby feel better in an instant. I’m sad to part ways with the calm and quiet that brought us together - just the two of us, a pause in the hurried pace of life. On a broader scale, I’m grieved about the sudden passing of time that marches on and is growing my babies so quickly before my very eyes.
Relief and grief. It’s okay to feel both. It’s okay to acknowledge the messy middle of being in between big feelings and to allow yourself the space to be where you are, without any judgement, criticism, or concern about what others might think.
Weaning is such a transitional time in a woman’s life, one that I think we hardly give credence to; though I think it’s important to recognize the passageway this season can be and give space for mothers to live through their experiences, whatever it may be.
I also believe that mothers need more support when weaning from breastfeeding - no matter what their situations might be. In many ways, it’s not something we always prepare for or have many resources to draw from. Let’s start by acknowledging the weaning is a process, a transition that can bring up physical, emotional, and mental changes for both a mother and her baby.
Ultimately, weaning is highly personal and individualized. Some mothers may decide they wean because they want to, while others might have to wean from breastfeeding because they have to.
Regardless of the reason, every mother deserves support through the process.
As I go through this season myself and have been through it four times before this, I’d love to share some tips and resources that might be helpful to you in the process.
When to Wean Baby From Breastfeeding
First, you might be wondering, when should I wean my baby from breastfeeding?
The good news is that the most influential factor to this question should be you, mama!
I know this is not always the case. There will be times and situations where you might need to wean for circumstances that are outside your control.
For example, I once worked with an amazing mama who was in the military and suddenly being deployed overseas. Her baby was 9 months old at the time and was still breastfeeding. Since she knew her deployment would keep her apart from her baby for a considerable amount of time, she knew she needed to wean quickly.
This is definitely a unique and hard situation where breastfeeding may need to end abruptly and not on a timeline congruent with a mother’s wishes. (By the way, hats off to all of you mamas who are serving and nursing in uniform. You are the REAL MVP).
In other situations, breastfeeding might not be congruent to a mother’s mental state, and it might make the most sense to find alternative means to feed baby.
Sometimes, weaning happens gradually and naturally for both mother and baby, as both are ready to move on from this stage in life.
Whatever the situation, it’s important to remember that there’s no perfect formula to know when the exact moment is to wean your baby. It’s a personal decision that might occur sooner or later than you might think, and that is OKAY.
In my situation with my daughter, I honestly didn’t expect to continue nursing as long as we are. I had it in my mind that she would be done around one like my other kids, but I had to remind myself that she’s her own little person. Well, two years later, here we still are, and you know what? I think it’s what we both needed - to go through this process slowly and gradually.
Every child is different, has her own needs, and progresses in her own way. Similarly, as mothers, we change and evolve throughout our motherhood journey. You might not be in the same circumstances you were with a second child than when you fed your first child.
No matter what, it’s important to trust your timeline and consider the needs of both you and your child. Don’t compare where you’re at and what you and your baby need with what others are doing, or even society’s timelines of breastfeeding.
Please keep in mind that the Academy of Pediatrics recommends feeding your baby breastmilk or formula up until one year of age. At this point, you can discontinue breastfeeding if mutually desired and wean baby from breastmilk. If you are weaning from breastfeeding prior to your baby turning one year of age, it’s important to offer breast milk in a bottle, donor milk, formula, etc. ie place of breastfeeding
With that said, here are some of the common indicators of when to wean baby from breastfeeding:
Medical issues, in either mother or baby: In some instances, a mother or her baby might be facing medical issues that may make breastfeeding difficult.
Medication use: Only a few drugs pose a clinically significant risk to breastfed babies. These may include anti-cancer medications, lithium, oral retinoids, anticonvulsants, and radiopharmaceuticals.
Mental health concerns: If breastfeeding has become a mental health stressor for a mother, she may consider weaning and moving to alternative forms of feeding. Research has found that women who worried about breastfeeding were significantly more likely to develop depression than women who did not worry.
Physical separation: In the case that a mother and baby may be separated, especially for long periods of time, it may be difficult to continue breastfeeding, so weaning may be desired.
Natural development/transitions: In many instances, a baby may naturally lose interest in breastfeeding. This is especially true around the one year mark, as a baby is becoming more curious and interested in her surroundings and independently mobile
Mom is ready: It might be time to wean simply because mom is ready to do so, without any other outside influence. This is reason enough.
How to Wean From Breastfeeding
So if you and your baby are ready to wean from breastfeeding, how should you go about doing it?
There are actually a few different options, which I will explain below. Again, it’s important to determine which route will best fit the individual needs of you and your baby and work most effectively for your circumstances.
It’s also important to note that you can absolutely continue breastfeeding as long as mutually desired, especially if you and your baby/toddler are enjoying this time together and are not ready to wean. Generally, society looks down on toddler breastfeeding, especially when feeding an older child; however, there are many known benefits to breastfeeding a toddler. Remember to do what feels best for you and your baby.
If/when you are ready to wean, having a better understanding of the process can help you feel more prepared.
Here are the common ways to wean from breastfeeding:
Child-led weaning breastfeeding (also known as baby led weaning breastfeeding)
Mother-led weaning
Sudden weaning (also known as weaning “cold-turkey”)
Gradual weaning
Partial weaning
Let’s go through each of these below:
Child-Led Weaning
In this form of weaning, a child will naturally and gradually wean from breastfeeding when he or she no longer has the need to nurse (either nutritionally or emotionally). This typically happens after a year of age, though the average age of child-led weaning may be anywhere between two and four years old.
Children who are self-weaning typically cut down on their nursing sessions gradually over time. They might continue with morning/nighttime nursing sessions for several months before weaning completely.
What are Signs Baby is Ready to Wean From Breastfeeding?
If you’re looking to follow your child’s lead on weaning, here are some signs to identify that your child may be self-weaning:
Your child is drinking well from a cup
Your child is getting a majority of her nutritional needs from solid foods
Your child will start developing interests in other activities that take precedent over nursing
Your child is gradually cutting down on nursing sessions
Your child may be comforted with other people/things outside of nursing
Following child-led weaning can make the transition away from breastfeeding easier for a child. It may also be easier for a mother to adjust, as breastfeeding sessions typically decrease gradually.
Mother-Led Weaning
With mother-led weaning, mom may need to encourage weaning before her baby/toddler is fully ready to transition away from breastfeeding.
This may be necessary for the many reasons described above. What’s important to know is that it is possible to do mother-led weaning in a gentle way that makes the transition easier for the child.
Typically, with this method of weaning, nursing sessions might be cut down quicker than if the child was to self-wean.
Nursing sessions might be limited and replaced with increased use of a bottle or cup, or by offering food and drink outside of breastmilk.
If you’re interested in weaning via this route, consider dropping daytime breastfeeding sessions first, as children are often more easily consolable and distracted. Gradually move toward dropping morning and night-time feeds, as your child may be more needy around these transitional points.
Be aware of the signs that weaning may be happening too fast for either you or your baby so you can adjust your pace accordingly (see below section for more details).
Sudden Weaning
This method of weaning, also known as weaning “cold-turkey” can be distressing and uncomfortable for both mother and baby. As I shared above, there are unplanned circumstances and situations in which sudden weaning might occur.
The sudden stop breastfeeding can cause drastic shifts to mother’s milk supply, which can lead to side effects, such as:
Plugged ducts
Engorgement
Mastitis
Breast abscess
In addition, a sudden decline in breastfeeding can also cause abrupt hormonal shifts in mom, which can affect overall mood and increase risk of mood swings and/or depression.
In the situation that sudden weaning is required, please connect to a board certified lactation consultant if possible to guide you through this transition. Having professional support can make this transition easier for both you and your baby.
Gradual Weaning
Gradual weaning is exactly how it sounds: a weaning process that slowly eliminates breastfeeding sessions over an extended period of time. With gradual weaning, typically one breastfeeding session is eliminated at a time, and mother and baby have an adjustment phase before moving to eliminate the next feed.
Gradual weaning can be beneficial for both mother and baby, as the slower decrease in phasing out nursing sessions can be easier to adjust. For moms, this may give more time to adjust to the hormonal shifts that are occurring with a reduction in breastfeeding, as well as help decrease risk of side effects in the breast or body.
For baby, gradual weaning can also help him become comfortable with a new routine slowly over time. With gradual weaning, the process can take weeks, months or even years to fully complete, depending on the pace that mother and baby are going.
Offering your child age-appropriate sources of nutrition as well as attention, love and comfort can all help ease the elimination of breastfeeding sessions with gradual weaning.
Partial Weaning
With partial weaning, certain nursing sessions are eliminated while others may remain. This might be maintained for sometime - months or years - before moving to a full transition away from breastfeeding.
What’s important to remember is that weaning doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing process, and it’s not something that has to be completed within a specific time frame. Nor is there a right or wrong way to wean your child from breastfeeding. Again, what’s key is to do what you feel is in the best interest of you and your child.
As for me and my baby girl, we’ve been doing a combination of child-led weaning and partial weaning. She naturally went down to nursing just in the morning and at bedtime, and it’s been this way for the last 6 months or so. However, there are some random times when she’ll ask to nurse outside of these times. Overall, this seems to be working best for us.
Breastfeeding Weaning Tips
Weaning can be a messy and difficult process. You might have a certain idea of how you’d like things to go and your baby may go in a completely different direction. Oftentimes, weaning might feel like taking one step forward and two steps backward.
The thing is, we are human. You and your baby both have different needs and emotions that aren’t always predictable or timely. For this reason, I’ve learned that being flexible and going with the flow when possible can help ease the tensions that may inevitably rise during this process.
From my journey in breastfeeding five babies and through my work as a lactation consultant, I’ve picked up a few tricks to help make the weaning transition easier. Here are some ideas to help you and your little one, no matter where you might be in the process:
Don’t offer, but don’t refuse: This was the sage wisdom I learned through the process of weaning. If my toddler is engaged in other activities and happily distracted during a typical nursing session time, I don’t disrupt her to offer her the breast. On a similar token, if she does ask to nurse, I don’t refuse either.
Try gentle distracting/redirecting: Sometimes, my toddler asks to nurse at random times, especially when out in public - of course. I know her asking usually coincides around times where she’s out of her normal environment, is tired, or sick. However, before I whip out the boob, I might try to redirect her first. She’s really into books right now and playing with her blocks, so I might distract her with that when we’re at home. Outside of home, I might sing a song with her or try to engage her in a way that might temporarily distract her. Usually it’s enough to cause her to gently forget about nursing at that moment. If she still persists on nursing, even after I’ve tried to redirect, I won’t refuse her.
Offer other forms of physical/emotional connection: Nursing is often your baby’s (or toddlers) way of connecting to you. Just remember - you are her safe space in a big world with a lot of unknowns, and this is your child’s earliest way of receiving comfort, both physically and emotionally. Offering other forms of physical and emotional connection with your child can help ease the weaning process. Get in all those extra cuddles, let your child snuggle with you, and help her know you are still there for her.
Night feeds: If your child is used to nursing to go to sleep, consider having someone else (such as your partner) take over the nighttime routine temporarily. Most often, kids can fall asleep fine without nursing if their breastfeeding source is not immediately available.
Replace a breastfeeding session with a “grown-up” alternative: This might seem kind of random, but it’s worked for me and my current toddler. For quite a few months, she was super cranky after her afternoon nap times and nothing seemed to help her transition than breastfeeding. I’m a tea-drinker and usually have a mug nearby, and she’s used to seeing me drink my tea. She usually asks to “try tea”, and I’ll let her have a sip (cooled, of course!). After her naps, I started making her a version of “toddler tea” (herbal tea with a little bit of honey and milk), and she loved it! Sometimes, toddlers can be distracted by having something similar to what they see their grown-ups doing, and it can be a good redirect.
Drop one breastfeed at a time: Whenever possible, I recommend dropping one breastfeeding session at a time and waiting a few days (or weeks) before eliminating a second session. This can make the transition so much easier on your body as well as for your baby.
How to Wean Baby Off Bottle
I wanted to briefly address this, as I think this is equally as important. If your baby or toddler is being fed with a bottle, it will likely take a period of adjustment to wean them off the bottle as well.
There is often a misconception that because a baby is bottle fed, that weaning will happen quicker, usually by eliminating the bottle completely.
But babies and toddlers can build an emotional attachment to a bottle just as they would the breast. In order to help your child’s transition away from a bottle, it’s also helpful to be considerate of their emotional needs and do so gradually at a pace that is gentle.
The above tips and suggestions can absolutely be applicable for weaning an older baby from the bottle and to a cup.
Is Weaning Going Too Fast for You or Your Baby?
As you go through the weaning process, be aware of how you and your baby are responding to the process: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Remember that this is a major transitional milestone, so it’s not uncommon to experience big feelings or physical side effects as you go through this.
There are some signs to be aware of that might indicate that the weaning process is potentially happening too fast for either you and your baby.
Again, in certain situations, you may not be able to avoid a faster weaning process.
However, if you aim to wean more gradually, be aware of how your baby is responding.
If the weaning process is happening too quickly for your baby, your child might:
Have a sudden increase in night wakings
Display a new or increased fear of separation
Engage in more frequent tantrums, clinginess, or crying episodes
Refuse to eat or drink table foods
Appear withdrawn
Have an increased attachment to objects, pacifiers or thumb-sucking
On the other hand, the weaning process may be happening too quickly for you if you notice:
Rapid change in mood, mood swings
Symptoms of depression
Abnormal breast pain
Painful breast engorgement
Plugged milk ducts
Mastitis
If you notice any of these signs in you or your baby, consider adjusting your weaning timetable if possible to allow for a more gradual process that can help ease these symptoms.
Post Weaning Depression
Depression after weaning is something that is actually quite common and unfortunately, not addressed enough. We are more likely to hear about postpartum depression, which is depression that can occur up to one year after childbirth.
But what about when you experience depression after weaning your baby?
Again, depression after breastfeeding weaning is a very real thing. Sadly, it often goes undetected, because most moms are not regularly seeing their providers or being screened for depression after weaning their babies.
A new mom may not recognize what she’s experiencing or chalk it up to symptoms related to normal stressors in motherhood.
Typically, post weaning depression can be triggered by the combination of hormonal fluctuations with the psychological stressors that might occur when weaning.
Physiologically, the hormonal shifts that are occurring in mom after breastfeeding has stopped can play a major role in post weaning depression.
For example, there are two major hormones that support breastfeeding, including prolactin and oxytocin, or the “feel good love hormone” that supports baby bonding. When breastfeeding decreases and milk production slows, a woman will experience a dip in both of these hormones, which can trigger intense feelings of loss, sadness, and poor mood.
Estrogen, which generally remains lower while breastfeeding, will slowly begin to rise to pre-pregnancy levels after weaning. For some women, the return to a baseline level of estrogen can happen more slowly. The gradual and shifting increase of estrogen can also be a contributing factor to depression.
On top of the physical changes, a woman going through the weaning process may be experiencing psychological stressors that can elevate the biological changes. Weaning is a transition, and like all transitions, there can be conflicting emotions and a shift in identity that can be challenging to work through.
While it’s normal to experience some sadness over weaning, the symptoms of post weaning depression are far more serious and should warrant immediate attention.
Post Weaning Depression Symptoms
Here are some of the common symptoms that may occur with post-weaning depression:
Poor concentration
Lack of appetite
Lack of ability to carry out normal functions
Trouble taking care of oneself or baby
Weight fluctuations
Mind racing, nervousness
Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness
Sleep disruptions, insomnia
Self-harm/Suicidal ideations or intentions
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms during or after weaning your baby, please reach out for professional help immediately, including your local emergency room, your general physician or OB/GYN or a mental health professional.
Thankfully, there are a combination of treatments that can support healing and recovery as you go through this transitional process. Working with a trusted professional can help you find what the best course of action might be for you.
Most importantly, please trust your instinct. If something doesn’t feel right to you, please talk to someone you trust about what you’re experiencing. You don’t have to suffer in silence, and you are certainly not alone through your struggles. Remember that there is no criteria for needing help. Knowing that something is off is criteria enough to ask for support.
Post Weaning Depression Risk Factors
Because depression is influenced by multiple factors, some women may be more predisposed to post-weaning depression than others. However, there are some factors that may increase a woman’s susceptibility to depression after weaning her child from breastfeeding, which may include:
Sudden or early weaning
Lack of family support
History of depression or postpartum depression
Experience of trauma or domestic violence/abuse
Post Weaning Depression Treatment
Any mental illness, including post weaning depression, should be treated with a comprehensive approach that addresses both physical, emotional and mental concerns.
If you have any known risk factors that might increase your chances of experiencing post-weaning depression, be sure to take preventative steps that might help ease you through this transition. Using a gradual weaning approach can help your body slowly adjust to the shifting hormones through the process.
Other preventative approaches might include optimizing your postpartum nutrition to support your mental health, connecting to therapeutic support, stress management, and adequate rest.
If you are actively experiencing symptoms of post weaning depression, treatment options and interventions may include medication management, supplemental hormones, therapeutic counseling, or a combination of these things.
How long does post weaning depression last?
Post weaning depression is experiencing differently in every woman, and there are a variety of factors that can influence the course of this mental health condition.
Typically, the earlier post weaning depression is caught and treated, the better the prognosis. With adequate intervention, many women will find themselves on the road to recovery. Typically, as hormonal levels balance out and reach a baseline, a woman may gradually notice improvement with her symptoms. Again, this can vary based on the severity of symptoms experienced, a woman’s weaning journey, etc.
Overall, it’s important to recognize that weaning from breastfeeding involves many complex factors, for both a mother and her baby. Having a solid support system in place and effective tools for stress management, as well as a flexible plan for weaning, can make this transition easier.
Making Peace With the End of Your Breastfeeding Journey
The end of your breastfeeding journey is significant for so many reasons, no matter the length of time you breastfed. This was a chapter in your life that no one can take away, one that marked the beginning of your relationship and bond with your baby.
Remember that saying goodbye to this time in your life will naturally bring up conflicting emotions, and it’s okay to feel them all. There’s no wrong way to feel about concluding your breastfeeding journey, and you deserve the time and space to process what this journey has symbolized for you.
If you’re having a difficult time parting ways with breastfeeding, consider doing something special for yourself that can help commemorate, celebrate and conclude this time in your life.
Some ideas might include:
Journaling about your breastfeeding experience
Writing a letter to your child about your time breastfeeding
Having someone take a photo of you nursing your child
Encapsulating some of your breastmilk in a keepsake to commemorate your journey, such as breastmilk jewelry.
Whatever your journey has been, please know that you’re not alone through this process. You deserve to celebrate the ending of this special time in your life and honor your body for all it gave to grow, nourish, and comfort your baby.